Saturday, February 26, 2011

pick me.

Okay, here it is, your choice...
it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great.
But, I love you, in a really, really big 'pretend to like your taste in music,
let you eat the last piece of cheesecake,
hold a radio over my head outside your window',
unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you.
So pick me, choose me, love me.
I've never found something that more accurately describes how I feel right this very moment.

How I've felt for the past month.

It's been a whole month.

One whole month of me being alone.

One whole month of having my heart broken.

And I will say, some days are easier than others.

Some days I feel great...I feel like where he and I are...we're supposed to be. It's perfect and I wouldn't change it.

And then other days come...and I feel like I can't breathe. My mind runs away with the situation and I start wondering, imagining, thinking too hard, and it feels like I'm trapped underwater with no way out. Those are the days I cry so hard my eyes are swollen. Those are the days that are the hardest.

I would be lying if I said I didn't think about the situation everyday. Because I do. I've thought about it at least once a day, everyday, for the past month. And today..a month later..I am here to tell you..I still wonder.

I wonder what if. I wonder why not me. I wonder why her.

I wonder if she makes him as happy as I made him. I wonder if she loves him as much as I do.

And maybe one day it'll be different. And maybe where we are right now is where we're supposed to be. But I still wonder.

And the wondering kills me.

I'm just not ready to stop loving him yet.

Monday, February 14, 2011

if I'm being honest...

If I'm being honest, I wasn't honest in my last post.

I said I wouldn't go back.

And honestly. That's not true.

If I'm being honest, I still love him with every fiber of my being.

And if I'm being honest, if he called me and told me we should try to work things out, I would give it my whole heart and my best effort.

Because who wants to wonder 'what if'....who wants to wonder what could have been.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

on being sad.

I haven't written since that fateful day in which the world crumbled.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about it everyday.

I feel much, much better than I did. I know that was the right decision for me and my children. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. However, it doesn't make it easier.

Every day is getting better. Every day is getting easier. But there are days where it still knocks me down, and makes me wonder "why".

But honestly, given the chance...I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't take that situation back if you told me it'd be better...even if you guaranteed it.

I'm still sad though. And I think I'm entitled to that.

I've been going through some preterm labor nonsense. And that doesn't help my mood any more either. And my mood doesn't help the fact I'm having contractions.

The uncertainties, the unknowns, the physical pains, the emotional pains.

Sometimes it's all too much. 

But when I wake up in the morning, it's slowly starting to feel's slowly starting to make sense. 

I'm still okay.
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