13.

13. I will hug you in front of your friends, 

stalk you on dates, (...consider lesson 11...)

and tell you lots of things you can't do. 

You'll be mad, but it's only because

I love you.

from the letter.

"There are still moments

when you take my

breath away and I get 
a lump in my throat."

12.

12. The person who is

worth it will never

make you choose.

11.

11. You are never 

allowed to date. 

We can reconsider this rule

when you are approaching fifty.

song obsessed.

Current song obsessions:

Script: For The First Time.



Maroon 5: Never Gonna Leave This Bed



Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: Your Guardian Angel
(Old song that my friend Tess got me into again.)



Javier Colon: Stitch by Stitch
(He's the winner of The Voice.)



Vicci Martinez: Afraid to Sleep
(She's a finalist from The Voice.)



Journey: Don't Stop Believing
(Classic. That I enjoy driving around singing at the top of my lungs. Not pretty.)



Katy Perry: e.t.



Could this list be any more random...haha.

happy fourth.

 

Hope you have a fun and safe holiday. :)

tweet, tweet.

I got a new Twitter account.

It's still private, so you'll have to request me :)

@FlavorBlueMama

Add me!

Let's tweet.

fix you.

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

I have a habit of playing songs on repeat when I'm really into them.

And right now, I'm really, really, into this song.

Why do I love it so much?

This line says it best: When you're too in love to let it go.

<3

blue isn't a flavor.

Okay, I know technically blue isn't a flavor.

But, it kind of is. ;)

I mean, slurpees and slushies are definitely blue flavored. So are airheads, and other yummy candies.

But.

Moving on....

The Flavor Blue is kind of two sided for me. 

It explains my life perfectly! As the mama of two boys, I definitely have a life full of the flavor blue. And a whole lot of blue at that.

But, it's more than that. 

It's something that genuinely makes me smile when I think about it. It's kind of an inside joke with someone insanely important to me. But it's become so much more to me than that. It represents something so much more than a "yes it is" "no it isn't" battle. It represents someone.

Either way you look at the flavor blue, it's a huge part of my life...now and forever.

So whether you believe blue is a flavor or not...

Welcome to The Flavor Blue.

Hold on, it's kind of a crazy ride.

But I wouldn't change any of it.

yay!

I'm back to regular blogging. :)

With a new pretty blog.

Big shoutout to Mama in Motion for helping me out so much.

There will be a post about the name I chose for this blog and why.

But for now, welcome to The Flavor Blue. :D

happy fathers day.

Happy Father's Day

to all the Daddies out there.

And to all the Mamas who

are Mama and Daddy everyday.

10.

10. A relationship doesn't 

need to fit into a certain

category to mean something.

number nine.

I really like these little lessons for my boys. And even more, I like when I think of one I could apply to my everyday life. The lessons were  meant to teach the boys something, but in reality, they're kind of teaching me something too.

All of them hold a special place in my heart. Every one.

But number nine is important.

"People will always remember how you made them feel."

That's true.

Amongst the bad, amongst the not so great, amongst the sad, amongst the happy.

People will always remember how you made them feel inside.

How you made them feel when you tried to right your wrongs.

How you made them feel when you put them first.

How you made them feel when you said some not so nice stuff.

People will never forget the way you made them feel.

That feeling.

Deep inside.

The one you can't let go of.

The one I can't let go of.

I'll never forget it.

9.

9. It's not always about what someone does, good or bad.

It's about how they make you feel. 

People will always remember the way you make them feel. 

sometimes.

Sometimes someone comes through your life, and touches your heart and soul in such a profound way...you can't let them go.

Sometimes there is no way to explain how someone makes you feel.

Sometimes there's no label you can give a certain relationship.

Sometimes someone could make you feel better with just one look.

Sometimes you find someone who makes you feel like a better person.

Sometimes someone could be the easiest and hardest part of your life.

Sometimes you don't have all the answers.

Sometimes you just have to let life play.

So that's what I'm doing.

I'm letting life play.

right and wrong.

Right and wrong.

2+2=4.

Right.

4+1=6.

Wrong.

There always seems to be a right and wrong answer.

Until there isn't.

Sometimes, there isn't a right or wrong answer. Sometimes, it's not black and white. Sometimes, the easiest choice isn't right, and the right choice isn't easy. Sometimes, there's this horrible, uncomfortable grey area...where both choices kind of stink. Both choices hurt. Both choices will break someone's heart.

All you can do is try the hardest to make the best choice for yourself. For those involved. For the future. And for the present.

All you can do, is know you tried your hardest to make the best choices given the grey circumstances.

It's not always about right and wrong.

It just needs to be about what's best.

8.

8. I will always, always, always

be here. 

Always.

Even when no one else is. 

7.

7. Don't ever wonder if you're ''worth it''. 

You are.

Always.

6.

6. Don't ever regret the relationships that broke your heart, 

they made you exactly who you are today

and they probably taught you something important.

5.

5. Always say what you're thinking in that very moment,

because once the chance passes you by,

it's gone forever.

still here.

I'm still.

Still moving on.

Still sad somedays.

Still happy others.

Still processing.

Still regretting.

Still understanding.

Still wondering.

Still contracting.

Still baking a baby.

Still here.

Still okay.

pick me.

Okay, here it is, your choice...

it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great.

But, I love you, in a really, really big 'pretend to like your taste in music,

let you eat the last piece of cheesecake,

hold a radio over my head outside your window',

unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you.

So pick me, choose me, love me.

---------------------------

I've never found something that more accurately describes how I feel right this very moment.

How I've felt for the past month.

It's been a whole month.

One whole month of me being alone.

One whole month of having my heart broken.

And I will say, some days are easier than others.

Some days I feel great...I feel like where he and I are...we're supposed to be. It's perfect and I wouldn't change it.

And then other days come...and I feel like I can't breathe. My mind runs away with the situation and I start wondering, imagining, thinking too hard, and it feels like I'm trapped underwater with no way out. Those are the days I cry so hard my eyes are swollen. Those are the days that are the hardest.

I would be lying if I said I didn't think about the situation everyday. Because I do. I've thought about it at least once a day, everyday, for the past month. And today..a month later..I am here to tell you..I still wonder.

I wonder what if. I wonder why not me. I wonder why her.

I wonder if she makes him as happy as I made him. I wonder if she loves him as much as I do.

And maybe one day it'll be different. And maybe where we are right now is where we're supposed to be. But I still wonder.

And the wondering kills me.

I'm just not ready to stop loving him yet.

if I'm being honest...

If I'm being honest, I wasn't honest in my last post.

I said I wouldn't go back.

And honestly. That's not true.

If I'm being honest, I still love him with every fiber of my being.

And if I'm being honest, if he called me and told me we should try to work things out, I would give it my whole heart and my best effort.

Because who wants to wonder 'what if'....who wants to wonder what could have been.

on being sad.

I haven't written since that fateful day in which the world crumbled.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about it everyday.

I feel much, much better than I did. I know that was the right decision for me and my children. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. However, it doesn't make it easier.

Every day is getting better. Every day is getting easier. But there are days where it still knocks me down, and makes me wonder "why".

But honestly, given the chance...I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't take that situation back if you told me it'd be better...even if you guaranteed it.

I'm still sad though. And I think I'm entitled to that.

I've been going through some preterm labor nonsense. And that doesn't help my mood any more either. And my mood doesn't help the fact I'm having contractions.

The uncertainties, the unknowns, the physical pains, the emotional pains.

Sometimes it's all too much. 

But when I wake up in the morning, it's slowly starting to feel better...it's slowly starting to make sense. 

I'm still okay.

heartbreaks.

I wish I had something witty, funny, or inspirational to say about heartbreaks. But honestly..I don't. I'll tell you what I do know about them...

They hurt. Heartbreaks hurt whether you're a 5 year old in Kindergarten, or whether you're an adult. They hurt you solidly to the bones. They make you feel like you're not going to ever be able to go on. They make you feel like you're drowning. When you have your heartbroken, you have to remind yourself to breathe from time to time, because it feels like the weight of the world is down upon you and you just can't move. It hurts you to your core. No one can understand what someone else's heartbreak is like, because it's yours and yours alone. It is one of the most painful things you'll ever experience. Heartbreak comes in so many forms...relationships, deaths, anything that turns your world upside down and shakes you until it hurts for someone to physically touch you. Every morning you wake up, you'll want to be back asleep...sleeping until you wake up and it doesn't hurt anymore.

But..one day...you'll wake up, and it'll hurt a lot less. And eventually you'll wake up and it won't hurt at all.

It doesn't happen over night...waiting for the pain to go away could take a long, long time. And you won't ever forget what happened to break your heart. But it won't hurt anymore. And it might have even taught you something.

So just remember...everyday you wake up, and feel like you can't move because of the weight of sadness, and you can't breathe because it feels like your drowning...just remember that one day...it'll be gone.

You'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

current pregnancy cravings: 2.

lasagna

voss water.

I am a self-proclaimed water snob.

deep dish pizza.

chili cheese fries.

these look so junky and fattening and yummy.

breakfast foods.

ideally eggs, turkey bacon, turkey sausage,

home fries, pancakes, and a biscuit.

red bell peppers.

cut up with dip.

green grapes.

slightly frozen. perfection.

i know...

I know so much more than you think I do.

I know that you found them online.

I know that you told them about me.

I know that you told them that if it was worth it, you'd play the field.

I know that we should've been worth it.

I know that you sent them inappropriate pictures.

I know that you talked to them while I was around you.

I know that you sat there and lied to my face when I asked you about them.

I know that I didn't confront you.

I know that it takes each person their own amount of time to deal with things.

I know that you'll make excuses.

I know that I won't believe them.

I know that I won't trust anything you say again.

I know that I don't hate you.

I know that I don't dislike you.

I know that my boys will not see that this is acceptable.

I know that I'm insanely sad and heartbroken.

I know that I will be sad for a long time.

I know that I will be okay.

I know that I am worth so much more.

So, so much more.

You taught me that.

And for that, I thank you.

4.

4. You can always come to me if you're in trouble.

Even if what got you in trouble is exactly what I told you not to do.

3.

3. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

2.

Lesson 2: No one can make you feel anything you don't want to.

for my boys.

I've been seeing lots of Mama's (and other Dad's too actually) write little notes to their kids. Like...rules of life, wisdom nuggets, whatever you want to call them.

So. I'm jumping on this bandwagon.

Maybe not once a day. For a year. But just little nuggets of wisdom that I want my boys to know. Things that I think they should learn. Real life. Real emotions. Real things.

I think I'm going to put them into a book. A book where they can look back...I could look back...at all the real life things I taught them, that in between telling them to clean their room's and eat their vegetables, might have gotten lost in the shuffle.

Lesson 1: Never be too proud to ask for help. It's okay to need it. And even better if you can admit it.

but.

I feel like I failed.

But I know deep inside I really didn't.

I feel like I was supposed to forgive him.

But I know can't.

I feel like maybe I could have forgiven him if it was just once.

But it really wasn't.

I feel scared that I'm doing this all alone again.

But I think I'm okay with that.

I feel worried about what people will say and think.

But that's the last thing I should be concerned about.

I feel like this is the best choice for myself and my children.

But it doesn't make it any less difficult.

I feel like this is my fault.

But I know inside of me it isn't.

I feel like I was supposed to stick it out with him and make it work.

But I know I am worth so much more than that.

I feel like me and my boys going to be okay.

No more 'buts'.