Saturday, February 26, 2011

pick me.

Okay, here it is, your choice...
it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great.
But, I love you, in a really, really big 'pretend to like your taste in music,
let you eat the last piece of cheesecake,
hold a radio over my head outside your window',
unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you.
So pick me, choose me, love me.
I've never found something that more accurately describes how I feel right this very moment.

How I've felt for the past month.

It's been a whole month.

One whole month of me being alone.

One whole month of having my heart broken.

And I will say, some days are easier than others.

Some days I feel great...I feel like where he and I are...we're supposed to be. It's perfect and I wouldn't change it.

And then other days come...and I feel like I can't breathe. My mind runs away with the situation and I start wondering, imagining, thinking too hard, and it feels like I'm trapped underwater with no way out. Those are the days I cry so hard my eyes are swollen. Those are the days that are the hardest.

I would be lying if I said I didn't think about the situation everyday. Because I do. I've thought about it at least once a day, everyday, for the past month. And today..a month later..I am here to tell you..I still wonder.

I wonder what if. I wonder why not me. I wonder why her.

I wonder if she makes him as happy as I made him. I wonder if she loves him as much as I do.

And maybe one day it'll be different. And maybe where we are right now is where we're supposed to be. But I still wonder.

And the wondering kills me.

I'm just not ready to stop loving him yet.


  1. It's ok to wonder....cry.....bawl. xo

  2. You may never stop loving him if I'm keeping it real. However, I think that in time you will heal and make your own peace with the situation. I can't guarantee that it will happen over night. You just have to be strong and try not dwell on the negative. You have your boys to think about and whether you like it or not you have to make a choice. You have to choose whether or not you're going to end your suffering and start enjoying life.

    Not sure if you want this bit of information but my father decided that he wanted to finally stop creeping around be with his mistress. He up and moved out into his own place and invited her to stay with him. At first, I think that my mom was in denial. Once, she realized he wasn't coming back and that he really didn't love her, she just stayed in a stage of anger and secretly wishing he would have chosen her. I can't begin to tell you how painful this was to watch as a child. I feel like my father robbed me of my childhood because in a sense, we had to become our mom's caregiver emotionally.

    My advise would be to not let this happen to your boys. Trust me I've been a single mom and experienced being raised by a single mom. If you don't move forward your sorrows will eat you alive and consume you. Continue to talk about it and vent and even seeking counseling if need be. Remember it's his loss not yours. He's the one who chose to fly the nest.

  3. This is a beautifully written post. I'm not sure what to say beyond my heart goes out to you. Hang in there, mama. You have a whole community behind you :)

  4. i'm so sorry... this is so hard...


    be strong

  5. Omg! This describes everything I have been feeling!! Some days are easier than others. On the hard days I focus on the joy my daughter brings me!


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