current pregnancy cravings: 2.

lasagna

voss water.

I am a self-proclaimed water snob.

deep dish pizza.

chili cheese fries.

these look so junky and fattening and yummy.

breakfast foods.

ideally eggs, turkey bacon, turkey sausage,

home fries, pancakes, and a biscuit.

red bell peppers.

cut up with dip.

green grapes.

slightly frozen. perfection.

i know...

I know so much more than you think I do.

I know that you found them online.

I know that you told them about me.

I know that you told them that if it was worth it, you'd play the field.

I know that we should've been worth it.

I know that you sent them inappropriate pictures.

I know that you talked to them while I was around you.

I know that you sat there and lied to my face when I asked you about them.

I know that I didn't confront you.

I know that it takes each person their own amount of time to deal with things.

I know that you'll make excuses.

I know that I won't believe them.

I know that I won't trust anything you say again.

I know that I don't hate you.

I know that I don't dislike you.

I know that my boys will not see that this is acceptable.

I know that I'm insanely sad and heartbroken.

I know that I will be sad for a long time.

I know that I will be okay.

I know that I am worth so much more.

So, so much more.

You taught me that.

And for that, I thank you.

4.

4. You can always come to me if you're in trouble.

Even if what got you in trouble is exactly what I told you not to do.

3.

3. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

2.

Lesson 2: No one can make you feel anything you don't want to.

for my boys.

I've been seeing lots of Mama's (and other Dad's too actually) write little notes to their kids. Like...rules of life, wisdom nuggets, whatever you want to call them.

So. I'm jumping on this bandwagon.

Maybe not once a day. For a year. But just little nuggets of wisdom that I want my boys to know. Things that I think they should learn. Real life. Real emotions. Real things.

I think I'm going to put them into a book. A book where they can look back...I could look back...at all the real life things I taught them, that in between telling them to clean their room's and eat their vegetables, might have gotten lost in the shuffle.

Lesson 1: Never be too proud to ask for help. It's okay to need it. And even better if you can admit it.

but.

I feel like I failed.

But I know deep inside I really didn't.

I feel like I was supposed to forgive him.

But I know can't.

I feel like maybe I could have forgiven him if it was just once.

But it really wasn't.

I feel scared that I'm doing this all alone again.

But I think I'm okay with that.

I feel worried about what people will say and think.

But that's the last thing I should be concerned about.

I feel like this is the best choice for myself and my children.

But it doesn't make it any less difficult.

I feel like this is my fault.

But I know inside of me it isn't.

I feel like I was supposed to stick it out with him and make it work.

But I know I am worth so much more than that.

I feel like me and my boys going to be okay.

No more 'buts'.