on being sad.

I haven't written since that fateful day in which the world crumbled.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about it everyday.

I feel much, much better than I did. I know that was the right decision for me and my children. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. However, it doesn't make it easier.

Every day is getting better. Every day is getting easier. But there are days where it still knocks me down, and makes me wonder "why".

But honestly, given the chance...I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't take that situation back if you told me it'd be better...even if you guaranteed it.

I'm still sad though. And I think I'm entitled to that.

I've been going through some preterm labor nonsense. And that doesn't help my mood any more either. And my mood doesn't help the fact I'm having contractions.

The uncertainties, the unknowns, the physical pains, the emotional pains.

Sometimes it's all too much. 

But when I wake up in the morning, it's slowly starting to feel better...it's slowly starting to make sense. 

I'm still okay.

heartbreaks.

I wish I had something witty, funny, or inspirational to say about heartbreaks. But honestly..I don't. I'll tell you what I do know about them...

They hurt. Heartbreaks hurt whether you're a 5 year old in Kindergarten, or whether you're an adult. They hurt you solidly to the bones. They make you feel like you're not going to ever be able to go on. They make you feel like you're drowning. When you have your heartbroken, you have to remind yourself to breathe from time to time, because it feels like the weight of the world is down upon you and you just can't move. It hurts you to your core. No one can understand what someone else's heartbreak is like, because it's yours and yours alone. It is one of the most painful things you'll ever experience. Heartbreak comes in so many forms...relationships, deaths, anything that turns your world upside down and shakes you until it hurts for someone to physically touch you. Every morning you wake up, you'll want to be back asleep...sleeping until you wake up and it doesn't hurt anymore.

But..one day...you'll wake up, and it'll hurt a lot less. And eventually you'll wake up and it won't hurt at all.

It doesn't happen over night...waiting for the pain to go away could take a long, long time. And you won't ever forget what happened to break your heart. But it won't hurt anymore. And it might have even taught you something.

So just remember...everyday you wake up, and feel like you can't move because of the weight of sadness, and you can't breathe because it feels like your drowning...just remember that one day...it'll be gone.

You'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

current pregnancy cravings: 2.

lasagna

voss water.

I am a self-proclaimed water snob.

deep dish pizza.

chili cheese fries.

these look so junky and fattening and yummy.

breakfast foods.

ideally eggs, turkey bacon, turkey sausage,

home fries, pancakes, and a biscuit.

red bell peppers.

cut up with dip.

green grapes.

slightly frozen. perfection.

i know...

I know so much more than you think I do.

I know that you found them online.

I know that you told them about me.

I know that you told them that if it was worth it, you'd play the field.

I know that we should've been worth it.

I know that you sent them inappropriate pictures.

I know that you talked to them while I was around you.

I know that you sat there and lied to my face when I asked you about them.

I know that I didn't confront you.

I know that it takes each person their own amount of time to deal with things.

I know that you'll make excuses.

I know that I won't believe them.

I know that I won't trust anything you say again.

I know that I don't hate you.

I know that I don't dislike you.

I know that my boys will not see that this is acceptable.

I know that I'm insanely sad and heartbroken.

I know that I will be sad for a long time.

I know that I will be okay.

I know that I am worth so much more.

So, so much more.

You taught me that.

And for that, I thank you.

4.

4. You can always come to me if you're in trouble.

Even if what got you in trouble is exactly what I told you not to do.

3.

3. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

2.

Lesson 2: No one can make you feel anything you don't want to.