5.

5. Always say what you're thinking in that very moment,

because once the chance passes you by,

it's gone forever.

still here.

I'm still.

Still moving on.

Still sad somedays.

Still happy others.

Still processing.

Still regretting.

Still understanding.

Still wondering.

Still contracting.

Still baking a baby.

Still here.

Still okay.

pick me.

Okay, here it is, your choice...

it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great.

But, I love you, in a really, really big 'pretend to like your taste in music,

let you eat the last piece of cheesecake,

hold a radio over my head outside your window',

unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you.

So pick me, choose me, love me.

---------------------------

I've never found something that more accurately describes how I feel right this very moment.

How I've felt for the past month.

It's been a whole month.

One whole month of me being alone.

One whole month of having my heart broken.

And I will say, some days are easier than others.

Some days I feel great...I feel like where he and I are...we're supposed to be. It's perfect and I wouldn't change it.

And then other days come...and I feel like I can't breathe. My mind runs away with the situation and I start wondering, imagining, thinking too hard, and it feels like I'm trapped underwater with no way out. Those are the days I cry so hard my eyes are swollen. Those are the days that are the hardest.

I would be lying if I said I didn't think about the situation everyday. Because I do. I've thought about it at least once a day, everyday, for the past month. And today..a month later..I am here to tell you..I still wonder.

I wonder what if. I wonder why not me. I wonder why her.

I wonder if she makes him as happy as I made him. I wonder if she loves him as much as I do.

And maybe one day it'll be different. And maybe where we are right now is where we're supposed to be. But I still wonder.

And the wondering kills me.

I'm just not ready to stop loving him yet.

if I'm being honest...

If I'm being honest, I wasn't honest in my last post.

I said I wouldn't go back.

And honestly. That's not true.

If I'm being honest, I still love him with every fiber of my being.

And if I'm being honest, if he called me and told me we should try to work things out, I would give it my whole heart and my best effort.

Because who wants to wonder 'what if'....who wants to wonder what could have been.

on being sad.

I haven't written since that fateful day in which the world crumbled.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about it everyday.

I feel much, much better than I did. I know that was the right decision for me and my children. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. However, it doesn't make it easier.

Every day is getting better. Every day is getting easier. But there are days where it still knocks me down, and makes me wonder "why".

But honestly, given the chance...I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't take that situation back if you told me it'd be better...even if you guaranteed it.

I'm still sad though. And I think I'm entitled to that.

I've been going through some preterm labor nonsense. And that doesn't help my mood any more either. And my mood doesn't help the fact I'm having contractions.

The uncertainties, the unknowns, the physical pains, the emotional pains.

Sometimes it's all too much. 

But when I wake up in the morning, it's slowly starting to feel better...it's slowly starting to make sense. 

I'm still okay.

heartbreaks.

I wish I had something witty, funny, or inspirational to say about heartbreaks. But honestly..I don't. I'll tell you what I do know about them...

They hurt. Heartbreaks hurt whether you're a 5 year old in Kindergarten, or whether you're an adult. They hurt you solidly to the bones. They make you feel like you're not going to ever be able to go on. They make you feel like you're drowning. When you have your heartbroken, you have to remind yourself to breathe from time to time, because it feels like the weight of the world is down upon you and you just can't move. It hurts you to your core. No one can understand what someone else's heartbreak is like, because it's yours and yours alone. It is one of the most painful things you'll ever experience. Heartbreak comes in so many forms...relationships, deaths, anything that turns your world upside down and shakes you until it hurts for someone to physically touch you. Every morning you wake up, you'll want to be back asleep...sleeping until you wake up and it doesn't hurt anymore.

But..one day...you'll wake up, and it'll hurt a lot less. And eventually you'll wake up and it won't hurt at all.

It doesn't happen over night...waiting for the pain to go away could take a long, long time. And you won't ever forget what happened to break your heart. But it won't hurt anymore. And it might have even taught you something.

So just remember...everyday you wake up, and feel like you can't move because of the weight of sadness, and you can't breathe because it feels like your drowning...just remember that one day...it'll be gone.

You'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

current pregnancy cravings: 2.

lasagna

voss water.

I am a self-proclaimed water snob.

deep dish pizza.

chili cheese fries.

these look so junky and fattening and yummy.

breakfast foods.

ideally eggs, turkey bacon, turkey sausage,

home fries, pancakes, and a biscuit.

red bell peppers.

cut up with dip.

green grapes.

slightly frozen. perfection.